Addictions fall into two categories: substance addictions – such as food, drugs, alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine, and process addictions – such as TV, compulsive exercise, anger, obsessive thinking, controlling behavior, and sex. Sexual addiction, or using sex addictively, is like any other addiction: it is using something or someone to fill you up or take away your pain. Whether you are sexually addicted or using sex addictively depends upon the frequency with which you use sex to fill yourself up or take away your pain.

Are you sexually addicted or using sex addictively? Identifying with just one of these symptoms listed below may indicate a sexual addiction or a tendency to use sex addictively.

* I (occasionally) (frequently) use sex to feel good about myself.

* I (occasionally) (frequently) use sex to fill up the emptiness within myself.

* I (occasionally) (frequently) use sex to take away my aloneness.

* I (occasionally) (frequently) use sex to take away my anxiety.

* My sexuality is my identity.

* I think about sex most of the time.

* I often have trouble concentrating on other things due to my preoccupation with sex.

* I have an intense need for sex with my partner. If my partner doesn’t want to have sex with me, I get angry or withdrawn.

* I sacrifice important parts of my relationship for sex. My sexual needs are more important to me than the relationship needs.

* My sexual needs and my reaction when I do not get what I want are interfering with my relationship with my partner.

*I have a compulsive need for sex with many partners.

* The pursuit of sex makes me careless of my own welfare and the welfare of others.

* I am chronically preoccupied with sexual fantasies.

* I am promiscuous.

* I am a compulsive masturbator.

* I have a compulsive need to masturbate while viewing pornography.

* I am a voyeur.

* I am an exhibitionist.

* I feel controlled by my sexual desires.

* The only time I feel powerful is when I am imposing sex on someone.

* I am attracted to children.

* I act out with children.

* I force people to have sex with me.

* Hurting others turns me on sexually.

* Being hurt by others turns me on sexually.

Obviously, there are many different levels of sexual addiction. Sexual addiction, like all other addictions, comes from the empty wounded part of ourselves.

The ego part of ourselves – our wounded self – learns throughout childhood and adolescence various ways to attempt to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. Many adolescent boys, as they start to masturbate, learn to use some form of sexuality to pacify their fears of rejection. Girls may learn to use their sexuality as a way to get love, as well as to avoid rejection. When a substance or behavior works to fill emptiness, take away loneliness, get attention or avoid pain, it often becomes an addition.

If you identified with any of the above, you might want to consider that you are using sex to avoid personal responsibility for your own feelings. While it may make you feel good for the moment, in the long run it lowers your sense of self-worth. Anything you do to pacify yourself rather than take responsibility for thinking and behaving in ways that enhance your positive sense of self, is self-abusive and self-abandoning. It would be akin to telling a child to watch pornography or masturbate when the child is feeling badly, rather than attend to the child’s real needs. When you use an addiction to pacify your painful feelings rather than attend to them, you are abandoning yourself - your inner child.

Next time you want to act out sexually, perhaps you would be willing to stop for a moment and tune into your feelings. Are you feeling sad, alone, empty, depressed rejected, abandoned, anxious, scared, or angry? Instead of pacifying yourself with sex, you might want to notice what you are telling yourself and how you are treating yourself that is causing you to feel badly and to want to act out. You might want to learn how to bring in a compassionate spiritual Source of love and comfort to fill the emptiness and aloneness. You might want to learn the Inner Bonding process that we teach to begin to heal your addictions.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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Megan asked the following questions in one of our phone sessions:
“Over and over, when I’m really attracted to a man and I sleep with him
fairly early in the relationship, I discover that he is not good husband
material. What am I doing wrong? Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of
men?”

This is a frequent question from my single women clients.

“Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy in a way that
arouses women. These men define their worth by their sexuality and by
their ability to attract woman. They know just how to sexually ignite a
woman - it’s an energy that they are putting out that goes right into your
genitals and makes you think that something real and important is
happening. But they are operating from a sexual addiction rather than
from caring or intimacy.”

“So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual attraction?”

“You need to be telling yourself that this feeling doesn’t mean anything –
that it’s just an energy that is being projected onto you but has nothing to
do with love, intimacy, caring, or marriage. Real, long-lasting
relationships take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon first meeting
someone, there is a good possibility that this man just wants a sexual
encounter with you rather than a real relationship with you. My
suggestion to you is to not have sex early in a relationship, even if you
are very attracted.”

“Well, when do you have sex?”

“When you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each other and
really care about each other’s wellbeing. When you know that the
feelings are not just sexual, and that the sexuality is coming from the
emotional intimacy rather than from a sexual addiction. Why not wait
until there is a commitment to the relationship and to learning and
growing with each other? How often have you slept with a man that you
were really attracted to and then had the relationship not work out?”

“More often than I’m willing to admit. This is what keeps happening. So
are you saying that I should also go out with men that I’m not
immediately attracted to?”

“Yes, if you like them. Often, sexual attraction grows as you really get to
know a person. Many of my clients with the best relationships are
people who were not immediately attracted to each other. The attraction
grew as they fell in love with each other. Others, who were attracted
immediately, lost their attraction as they got to know the person.

“Many men can have sex and then just move on without any inner
turmoil. Yet many women feel connected to a man when they have sex
with him and then feel awful when the relationship doesn’t work out. It is
unloving to yourself to sleep with a man early in the relationship and
then run the risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.

“Another factor is that sex without emotional intimacy is often
disappointing for both people. When you have sex too early in a
relationship, it might not be emotionally or physically satisfying. When
sex is not an expression of love, it often feels empty, and then the guy
might decide that you are not the right person for him because there
were no fireworks. Yet if you had waited for love to develop, it might
have been wonderful. You really have nothing to lose by waiting.”

“But,” replied Megan, “I always think that a man won’t like me if I don’t
have sex with him.”

“Well, if you doesn’t like you for not having sex with him, what does this
tell you about him?”

“I guess it tells me that he is not good husband material.”

“Right! So you have nothing to lose by not having sex right away.”

“Okay, I see that now. I see that what I’ve been doing is never going to
lead to marriage. I’m going to put sex on the back burner and pay more
attention to caring and intimacy.”

Megan completely changed her pattern with men and within a year she
was engaged to be married.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her
at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.

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One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying “NO.” He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say “yes.”

People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it.

Some are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point.

How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction:

1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common.

2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of “being found out,” the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.

3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an “acting out” episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, “I won’t do it again.” This will last…until the “urge” is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not “right”) of the “roller coaster” and succession of broken promises.

4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.

5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to “work that through” in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman who “used” a one-night fling with a significant person to “clear up” a particular issue.) She was free of that “urge” from that point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe.

6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their “addiction.” They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a “dual” life.

Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level.

If you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity I outline in my book, “Break Free From the Affair,” visit my website.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

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