Relationship crises (break-up, affair, huge conflict, children problems) demand tremendous energy and often throw our lives off a healthy track - which further perpetuates our inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.

Don’t forget your body while you wrestle with a relationship or marital crisis.

It is easy to let yourself go. It is easy to postpone - I will start tomorrow - your walking, running or workout. Your preoccupation with the other person floods your life, leaving little room for anything else. Or, you find yourself so overwrought that it seems impossible to “talk yourself” into getting started.

But, exercise and nutrition are powerful tools to help yourself at this point. Here are 6 reasons why:

1. Exercise and attention to your nutrition shift your focus to you. Exclusive focus on the other person atrophies your spirit, your energy, productivity, your healthy emotions and your body. You fade. You diminish. You become less than you truly are. So much of my work with others is helping them begin to think about themselves and take action for themselves. This is a major move. And it can begin by focusing on your body. It is the best, most practical place to begin. Your body is basic. It is a huge part of you. Begin paying attention to it.

2. Focusing on the body, using it, stimulating it, making it stretch and sweat is a great way to reduce stress. I’m not an expert here, but I understand it kicks in healthy body chemicals and cleanses some of the toxins - calming your mind, heart and soul.

3. Your confidence grows as you begin to manage your body and see changes in its endurance, strength and beauty. You begin to think better thoughts about yourself. Self-care can result in a minor miracle in terms of your perception of yourself.

4. You will begin to think of yourself as more desirable and sexy. Your sense of sexiness may be at risk. It may be on the line. It may be called into question. Doubts abound. It is a complicated and powerful issue in our culture. (Watch a few commercials on TV.) Exercise and physical health cuts through the doubts. Being physically healthy is sexy. You feel more sexual and you become more desirable.

5. Physical fitness is one of the first steps to becoming highly attractive and exerting your personal power. Once you believe and act attractive, the power of the relationship or marital crisis will lessen in your life. It actually might seem rather juvenile. Yes, there is more to attractiveness than looking great. But, we begin by honing our body, working it and caring for it. This builds the foundation for other forms of attractiveness and personal power.

6. You assume control. You may feel, as a result of the relationship crisis in your life, that you have little control or influence. It seems to become a waiting game. You wait for the other person. This other person or the situation seemingly dictates your every move and thought. You feel paralyzed. When you begin to move your body, you take control. Getting on a great exercise, fitness program makes you the master of that part of your life. You are in control. That feels good. That is good.

Beginning an exercise/fitness program in the midst of a relationship crisis is easier said than done. Usually we need support, encouragement or some sort of structure to get us moving. We have good intentions, but the follow through is lacking.

You have no further to look than online. There are great sites on the web that help you get started, offer encouragement and resources and keep you motivated and on track. Take advantage of these resources.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga
http://EzineArticles.com/?Relationship-Crisis:-6-Reasons-to-Get-Physically-Fit&id=70945

Your relationship has suffered a deep wound. Both of you have a level of commitment to “make it work.” The OP is out of the picture - a least to a large degree.

You know there is a crisis. You know you must “get at” the problem. Now is the time. If you don’t address the crisis NOW, in some way, you know the chances for having a vibrant rich relationship are spiraling downward.

Efforts to “makeover” your relationship demand a fair degree of feeling safe with one another. Often this is not the case.

Barriers to safety need attention before any “makeover,” resolution or joint decision making can occur. Often you are not aware of the specifics of the barriers. Or, you have a difficult time addressing them.

The barriers or walls sit in the background casting their debilitating shadows.

Your intentions may be pure. But, once you face each other, the barriers quickly squelch the hope for any positive outcome. In reality you think, “Here we go again. The same-o-same-o.” You feel defeated.

Below, I’ve listed 11 common barriers.

1. I want to talk, he/she doesn’t.

2. I’m afraid of finger-pointing, judgment. I will become the “bad person.”

3. The conversation will eventually turn to “what I did wrong” or “how I caused this problem.”

4. I’m fearful I will back down, give in and then pretend that things are fine.

5. I don’t want to hurt his/her feelings.

6. I don’t know how to put into words what I want to say.

7. I’m afraid “it” won’t work. Then what? I’d rather not face that.

8. I don’t want to talk about the past, but think I will have to.

9. We can’t (really don’t want to) find a time to get together.

10. I don’t feel safe. He/she might use what I say against me at some point.

11. I feel guilty, awful. I can’t get past that.

Here’s a tip. Begin to address these barriers by talking about them. Rank order the list with #1 being the most stubborn barrier. Compare lists. See if you agree.

Begin to talk about the barriers. Listen, without judgment, as your partner talks about his/her perceptions.

Addressing the “processes” in your relationship rather than the “content” is often a fruitful starting point.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at:  http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga
http://EzineArticles.com/?Marital-Infidelity:-11-Stubborn-Barriers-to-Making-Over-Your-Relationship&id=349426

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying “NO.” He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say “yes.”

People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it.

Some are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point.

How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction:

1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common.

2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of “being found out,” the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.

3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an “acting out” episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, “I won’t do it again.” This will last…until the “urge” is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not “right”) of the “roller coaster” and succession of broken promises.

4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.

5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to “work that through” in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman who “used” a one-night fling with a significant person to “clear up” a particular issue.) She was free of that “urge” from that point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe.

6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their “addiction.” They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a “dual” life.

Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level.

If you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity I outline in my book, “Break Free From the Affair,” visit my website.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga
http://EzineArticles.com/?Extramarital-Affairs:-When-Sexual-Addiction-and-Infidelity-Meet&id=47458

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don’t believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person’s habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something “out of character” but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The “victim” of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming “trophy chasers.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of “being in love” and having that “loving feeling.”

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being “OK” may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to “work through” the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don’t recommend “marriage” counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn’t be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, “This too shall pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, “What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, “How’s it going?” And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign one’s life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga
http://EzineArticles.com/?Extramarital-Affairs:-What-Everyone-Needs-to-Know-and-What-You-Can-Do-to-Help&id=2067

Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are “tongue in cheek” while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don’t change anything.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse:

1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you’ve had a vasectomy.

2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)

3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn’t tell you about it.

5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

7) She buys a cell phone and doesn’t let you know.

8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.

10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

12) He becomes “accusatory,” asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, “Do you think it’s possible to love more than one person at a time?”

14) He buys himself new underwear.

15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.

17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.

22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.

23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.

25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

26) Spouse’s co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.

27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress’s house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.

30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.

31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband’s shirt.

32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.

33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is “touchy” and easily moved to anger.

35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.

36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.

37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.

39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

40) She has a “glow” about her.

41) Atypical erratic behavior.

42) He sneaks out of the house.

43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed.

44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.

46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga
http://EzineArticles.com/?46-Clues-Your-Partner-is-Having-an-Affair&id=2070